Underwear Bomber Interrogation

The most surprising thing about Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's unsuccessful Christmas Day underwear bombing on Delta Flight 253 to Detroit was that it took Dick Cheney five whole days to growl about it.

When Dick finally did emerge from behind his creaky false bookcase with lit candelabra in hand, he was his usual lugubrious self. He said, "It is clear once again that President Obama is trying to pretend we are not at war." I guess what we were supposed to glean from that was that because Umar had not been sent to Gitmo for waterboarding (a.k.a. "The Dick Special"), we all ought to be scared pantsless.

Michigan's own U.S. Congresswoman Candace Miller emerged much sooner than Dick from her lair, however and was actually quite a bit more direct about it. Within two days, after studying her party's talking points memo, Candy was all over Michigan media, complaining that Umar had gotten his burns treated. Instead, she wanted him subjected to "harsh interrogation" as an enemy combatant, not treated as a "common criminal" under the laws of the United States. Apparently, she thinks common criminals get tea and cupcakes in addition to Bactine in those cushy maximum security prisons.

Now that Dick and Candy and other opporunists have stomped their feet and said, "Oh, the U.S. Constitution is sooo boooorrring! I wanna watch an action movie!" can we please let the adults move forward? To that end, I have some suggestions for the interrogators on questions I would like them to ask Umar.

1. You've never kissed a girl, have you?

2. It seems you didn't begin training for this until a few months ago. Doesn't it strike you as odd that there wasn't there anyone more senior in line ahead of you for this "honor?"

3. To be so obedient, you must have had a lot of respect for the guys who put you up to this. Ever wonder why these "courageous" guys didn't put their own balls on the line to show you how it's done?

4. Let's see. You renounced a comfortable life with your wealthy, respected family to train on monkey bars in the desert with a bunch of cowards who sent you first. What are the other benefits of your belief system?

5. Didn't it ever hit you as ironic that you were being promised seventy-two virgins as your reward for detonating a bomb that would take out your entire genital region first?

You see, because in addition to being a failed underwear bomber, Umar is also a stupid, stupid, easily duped man. Somehow, I think the people in the United States justice system will be able to handle him.

Peace